I hate Valentine’s Day. Sure, I’m a hopeless romantic who usually spends every February 14th alone doing Jell-O shots in my chaise while eating bacon-fried bacon and masturbating to re-runs of Breaking Bad, but I retain the comfort of knowing Internet Girlfriend will never leave nor punch me in the face. The real reason

People frequently mistake me for being gay. Certainly much more than they mistake me for being a comedian. But despite the fact that I studied theater in college while working at the Gap, living in the co-ops and sucking dick on the side for money, I am neither gay nor bisexual.

For a very, very long time I was completely averse to the idea of hiking. It evoked images of stumbling upon creepy men with hatchets,  climbing mountains, dehydrated beef and special shoes. When I realized rather late in the game, hiking is often just a fancier term for a “slightly