If you assholes like to laugh, and I’m pretty sure you do, allow me to direct you to an event this evening that will have you busting a gut, splitting your sides and Ell-Oh-Ell-ing with such alacrity that your friend will have to ball-gag you! “Don’t Touch Me There”, tonight

I am clumsy as shit. I’ve gotten stitches on three separate occasions, each time in my face. This Halloween, I slipped down some stairs and got a bruise on my ass the size and color of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, after spraining my ankle the previous week. I’m the kind

To say I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in San Francisco is like saying I sing Lady Gaga in the shower ‘” I rarely admit it but it totally happens. But for all of the really weird, brain bending and memory searing events that have taken place, there

Do you ever look at your closet and say to yourself, “Fuck, I hate everything in here.”  I know I do, and I also know that I can’t afford to buy a whole bunch of new shit to replace the things things I’m tired of.  One answer to this dilemma

Copious amounts of booze? I’m listening. Sexy singles? Yes please. Huevos rancheros? Where do I sign? There are few things in life I’d consider better than brunch (like seeing that your ex has gained fifty pounds or the adorable face kids make when you tell them Santa isn’t real). But

You’ve probably never seen anything like Judgement Day before, they’re on some other shit.  They play “String Metal” a term they made up but which fits their sound perfectly.  They’re basically an instrumental Heavy Metal band where the only instruments are violin, cello and drums.  And I’ve got a long history

Remember phone booths? Remember the song “Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in my Hand?” It was the only hit for Primitive Radio Gods back in the late 90s, but one of the better calm, pianoy songs from the decade. John Nolan from Taking Back Sunday recorded a

Did you ever have a friend that you wanted to do a favor for because he or she does so much for humanity and the world at large?  Well, when my friend Andrew Toledano isn’t curing diseases, wrestling lions,  cooking school lunches for poor kids, composing the score for edgy